I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
