You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
