Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
