I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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