i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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