Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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