I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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