Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
