Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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