i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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