She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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