I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
