i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
