she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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