capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
