Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
