dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
