I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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