ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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