Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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