TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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