You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
