New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
