Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
