My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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