You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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