mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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