Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
