I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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