if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
