The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
