where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
