Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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