Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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