I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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