Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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