I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
