apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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