One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Thank you for not boning my boss.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
