haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
