someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
