a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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