no, he came in my armpit
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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