I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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