I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This is classic penis vs brain.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
