Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
