We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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