The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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