it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize