Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
