my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
