Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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