I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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