and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
