They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
