you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
