I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
