dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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