i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
